Conditioning of Shame

What we talk about

In this first solo episode, I talk about a book almost nobody mentions: Perfect Pain / Perfect Shame by the psychologist Jerry Duvinsky. Drawing on his work, I look at what shame really is, how it seeds itself in childhood through what is said and what is left unsaid, and the paradox that trying to control or eliminate it only reinforces it.

Along the way I touch on Allan Schore's work on how shame is imprinted in early attachment, and the surprising forms it takes in adulthood, from people-pleasing to perfectionism to humour.

In this episode, I explore

• What shame really is, and why Duvinsky treats it as a trait rather than a passing emotion
• "Core shame identity" versus the popular idea of "toxic shame"
• The difference between guilt ("I did something bad") and shame ("I am bad")
• The paradox: why trying to control or eliminate shame only reinforces it
• How shame is conditioned in childhood, through what is said and what is left unsaid
• Allan Schore's work on how shame is physiologically imprinted in early attachment
• Why a child absorbs the blame rather than seeing a parent's limitations
• The intergenerational cycle, and what can interrupt it
• The surprising forms shame takes in adulthood: people-pleasing, perfectionism, humour as hiding, and even pride
• Two things to take away